I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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