Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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