how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
