two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
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Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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