Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
