bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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