11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
