We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
