You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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