it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
