oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
