I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
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Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.