I think I won the penis lottery.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remember the time you cried about coconuts