Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
