yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
