I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
