As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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