We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
