happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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