i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
