Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
