Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I would ride that face into the sunset
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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