cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
