did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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