i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
