I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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