lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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