We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Less talking, more tequila
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
