I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
