i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
