I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
