i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
