She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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