gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who died my cat blue again?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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