I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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