Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
