my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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