Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
