I need to stop coming to work sober
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
