she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
