Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
