i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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