Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
