I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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