apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
