Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
