I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
