shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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