if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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