i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
