His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
