i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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