I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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